H*ween

This "holiday" is steeped in scariness, for me. Not in the typical "boo" and "spooky" type fear but more of the, Satan's birthday, going to hell type. Growing up we weren't allowed to participate in the night, nor recognize it in anyway. No special outing, no candy, no nothing. It wasn't spoken of. Like some topics, it was kind of a given that Halloween meant hell, just like sex meant pregnancy, drugs meant suicide, smurfs meant devil worship. Now that I have kids, I've had to really think about why some christians opt out. why did my family opt out?

Like all things of faith, its best if you work it out and not just accept traditions as truth. Hiding in a dark house on halloween doesn't make sense to me now. Of all nights to meet your community, halloween is the one. Of all the times to actually connect and make friends with the people God has placed around you, Halloween would be the night. To purposely close yourself out and snuff out your light, frankly doesn't make sense to me or explain to me the gospel that I've come to know.

That being said, I'm working against a long tradition of fear around this holiday and to say I'm "participating" is very weak. To be honest, it still scares me. Saying Halloween, or hearing my kid say it doesn't actually give me much peace. Its very difficult to align how I think and how I feel. Some people may think its no big deal, but for me, there's always been a proverbial line in the sand and to walk across it opens up much more than just Halloween (for me).

 I'm sure you've heard, "What Would Jesus Do" and that in and of itself is a heresy to me because I feel the minute you think you've figured out God and know exactly what He would do in any situation is the moment you have created your own version of Him, one that you can control and bend to your ideas. Although, the bible is pretty clear on many issues but others, not so much. That is why I'm still figuring it out. To be honest, Halloween for me is one of them. I don't think God would be for or against a holiday because He is impartial, but is also highly jealous of our hearts. He loves truth and loves us. Perhaps He allows me apprehension to protect my spirit. For others, He knows they're not as sensitive. Anyway, so continually working it out.

Tips (this one is free)

My cousin said, you should blog your tips. It's true, I should. These are things you should know.

Bathe your children with dishes. Less work.

Use double sides tape on children's limbs. Play "roll around the carpet" and voila, no need to vacuum. Stairs are more tricky and legal issues are involved.

An easy way to foster healthy competition, bribery and cleanliness,is to tell your children you are eyeing a special object (toy, dirt, piece of lint) and whoever finds it gets a prize (3 hours of TV is good, enables down time for exhausted mommy). They obviously need to be cleaning in order to do this. Always choose the very last thing they put away.

Cookies can be breakfast because its basically cereal except for the fact it's not cereal.

Break into loud show tunes to stop toddler temper tantrums. The angry tears turn into fearful tears and then they just want a hug.

Always say something is out of batteries if you don't want it used. iPad, iPhone, toy, stove.

Avoid telling kids they are brave. They'll believe in the necessity of this bravery over monsters, spiders and baths, proving these things are evil in and of themself.

Lastly when strangers dote on your children, grin and blush while drinking in the success of your mothering. When strangers comment on their negative behaviour, deny they are yours.

You're welcome.

Repetitive words

I have kids. Because I have kids, words come out of my mouth (sometimes at a volume that could cause a landslide) that I never thought I'd say or perplex me to where they even came from. Here are the most commonly said words or phrases:

Your socks are perfect. I cannot line the seam up any better along your toes.

Your hands are not hurting you, that's just ketchup.

I don't know where you're black friend is! (Or) your black friend is under the couch.

I can't centre your straw in the middle of the lid.

Pull up your pants!

Get your hands out of your pants!

I did not drop a bomb. (Or) yea, I did drop a bomb.

Please wear a shirt with a collar/tshirt with tag/non-fleece pants, it doesn't hurt!!

What's in your mouth???

I can't make poo come out! Push!

I can't turn off the sun.

Personal space!!!!!!

No one has ever seen a dinosaur. No you haven't. No you haven't! NO YOU HAVEN'T!

Daddy's car in not a jalopy.

Eleventeen isn't a number.

You don't cry over LEGO/play doh

The insides of radishes are not green. No, they're not. NO they're NOT

out of the mouths of babes

I made a joke once about someone dropping a bomb in the bathroom. Andrew was perplexed by what I meant, so I explained it. He ended up getting the timing perfect and used that phrase when we both went into the bathroom. He asked if I dropped one. Well, we laughed and laughed. Positive reinforcement. He says it all the time now.
We walked into a bathroom at the grocery store, it was stinky. "Who dropped the bomb?".
We walk into a clean public bathroom, "This one is sparkly! No one dropped a bomb!"

Now if only he'd quit complaining about having to pull his pants up.

Say cheese, seriously, SAY cheese

We took a family photo. Ten of us. I thought I was highly successful in getting Andrew to wear a collar shirt. You don't understand. Anything on his neck is apparently asinine to him. I stared the pep talk yesterday and today, not even a squeak. Instead he channeled all that energy into squeezing his eyes shut for every single photo. EVERY single photo. Kudos to him for sticking tongue out in some of them.

Elsie was fine until she realized she wasn't in my arms. Worse when she figured the stuffed animals were for eye and face orientation only, not loving and squeezing.

At the end, we have an eclectic blend of facial expressions and a life long photo of the greats.

I know what I know

Sometimes I think I should tweet "I've updated my blog" but I'm embarrassed to. So to my faithful two readers, howdy, I'm updating.

Yesterday I dropped off my car to get fixed. I walked in, gave my phone number and they said they couldn't find the appointment. I gave the number again. I gave my name, Paul's name and nothing! I told he guy we both had phoned and it was confirmed. Then he's like, "it's a ford escape??"
I said, "no! CRV"
Him: "Honda CRV?" (big grin)
Me: yes
Him: this is Ford. Honda is across the street.
Ughhhh. And I fill the stereotype again.

Elsie has developed a fantastic personality. She stole the tobacco bottle from the fridge and made a run for it. As i was about to catch her, she tossed the bottle to the right and kept running. Love her spunk.

Not young

I can't believe how old I feel and 33 isn't that old. We keep doing fun kid stuff since I have the critical ingredient to that - kids. There is a marry-go-round at the mall. First time I almost puked so tried to fixate on something not spinning, which was nothing. Second time I hung my head low and closed my eyes. Yeah, real fun mom.

Today I realized that birthing two children and a bouncy castle results in, well, incontinence. That and nausea. That, nausea and fear.

I ache when I get up from the floor and want to punch the sun in the face in the morning. I'd also like to stick pins in each of the wiggles, broken up or not. Also all those cheery women who celebrate birthdays in between the shows.

Today I am old and ornery.

Who cut the cheese?

Cheese. Why wouldn't you want to shape it into the big old state of Texas?

Who wears short shorts?

Stop the presses, I'm wearing shorts. In 1997 when my parents went to the middle east I stopped wearing shorts because at that time, the dress code there was long skirts. It evolved to pants, then capris and it ended there. I got used to it. Saved on having to shave past the calf. So today marks a new day.
I have realized 1) I'm cold 2) my legs are hairy 3) my legs are white

Branding Texas

IAH

Truth be told, traveling with wee ones can be daunting. Today people weren't courteous and that is sucky. As a man I point at you and say "FOR SHAME" if you sit and stare at a lady struggling with something heavy. I also bite my thumb at you people that bump me as I'm trying to open a stroller and put sleeping kids aside.

And now to the good in the world. United airlines has economy and economy plus. I was in the luxurious one foot leg room as my parents were stuck in the half an arm space. Since they were cattle class, they couldn't help me with my delightful wee ones. Since they were seated on the left side of the plane, could not take a wee one (only right side has three air masks). So Beans in Her Jeans Elsie didn't enjoy the restriction on her "I want to be free, don't hold me back" persona, which clashes with the perpetual seatbelt indicator light. Andrew thoroughly enjoyed being strapped on his 5 point seat harness. Feeling safe soothes him. He wasn't wearing socks which is a huge deal. The minute we arrived at my moms place he demanded them back on. I assume it must feel like a warm hug from a cuddly lamb.

So I'll write a bit more frequently since there should be more exciting things going on. I think I'll try to include a photo of Texan propaganda each day they like to put their flag on everything or make things into the shape of the state. I already noticed the Texas eggs in the fridge so I'll post that today.

Gimme sympathy

There are so many "things" going on in life right now. People around me too. It's exhausting. It's hard to grab the reins on my emotions an not let them dictate how I feel. It's a day by day struggle. It feels like the rug was whipped out from underneath me and I am currently face down trying to get my bearings. I'm also in "what was THAT all about?!" mode.

Vagueness aside, let's move on.

I'm prepping for Elsie's birthday. I am going with gnomes, therefore also a woodland type theme. This is cutting edge on the trends my friends. Pinster (as my mom calls it) is full of the forest friends/woodland crafts. I'm thinking red toad stool mushrooms, some shrubbery, sticks.
What do you buy a one year old for her birthday? I don't even remember what we bought Andrew. Maybe a train. Elsie seems to like the dishwasher a whole bunch, always climbing in it when it's open. That might be good I wonder how she'd feel getting a new fridge or bathroom hardware. Wait, exterior lighting might be more up her alley.

Tea time

I'm drinking blueberry tea. I've had six cups of coffee today. I feel like I've had -14 cups. So tired. Why? Everyone is sleeping at night.
I put the baby in her crib just now. She is wide awake but I need some tea time. I think she's standing and shaking the crib railing in a defiant stance which makes me think I should have raised the side but will keep an ear out for a thud.

I have decided that at my age, I should start dying my hair. As cool as white hair is, wirey white is not. So for the summer, I shall become 24 again and have a solid coloured do.

Thank goodness for leftovers for dinner.

safety...third.

I have been joyfully consuming a tub of icecream. Cookies 'n cream is my absolute favourite.

Today, I looked in the mirror and horrifically found stretch marks. WHAT THE??! I didn't know I had them and I guess I havent been looking in the right places. All I have to say is, good bye bikini bottoms, hello boy shorts.

Today I was mocking a freecycler who offered up a jar of chocolate sauce (with only a spoonful removed), only to have my friend perk up, "Yeah! that was me!" and then proceeded to tell me the story. And amazingly, someone actually came and picked it up.

Andrew pooed in the toilet for the first time. This is a victory. Frankly, I'm surprised he's not constipated with all the mini marshmallows I give him for peeing.

We're shopping for a new car seat. I still have elsie in the carrier which is ridiculous because its 85% of the reason I'm going to physio. Paul and I differ on how to purchase such an item. I go for size and cup holder. I want to fit a third person in the back, so I can't have huge seats. Cup holder is for when we go through starbucks drive thru. They need some place for the beverage. Third is price. Actually that's number one. Paul is big on safety and quality. I mean, its probably for the best. I wouldn't want a crunched up child, yet an unspilled beverage.

Check Up

We had check ups today. I had a "new patient" orientation. My doctor is a student. Its a teaching hospital. So she is about ten years younger than me so when she asks questions about my kids, I have a hard time not getting my feathers ruffled. For example, she asked me if Andrew was riding a bike yet. I said, no, we'll probably get him on a trike this summer. She thought that was great, but I was to remember to put a helmet on his head. She also told me to make sure he doesn't drown and to ensure proper water safety. Its a good thing she mentioned that because I was planning on letting him ride around the pool this summer while I sipped a margarita and sun bathed.
I also lied, A LOT. The doctor asked questions about Elsie: she doesn't have a bottle in bed right? Right, yeah, never do that, I especially never do that at 6am when she wakes up and I'm still tired. She's not allowed to eat egg. Right, (she has scrambled eggs at least once a week). So to cover my bases I asked, so if she were to have egg, is that because of the risk of possible salmonella? nope. allergy. Right (ha! no egg allergy then). She told me no honey either. Elsie has had her pacifier dipped in honey many many times to soothe coughs.
She then asked if my house was child proof. I was honest, I said, yeah, we make sure she's safe (insert huge bang and head crunch into the floor of the doctors office as I let go of Elsie as I was trying to get an App going on my iphone to entertain her).
Then the questions came to me, and about birth control. My form is only 96% reliable, birth control is 98%. I said, I'll take my chances. She started to get all pushy about why I wouldn't go on it. Frankly, I was blushing like a 13 year old especially since andrew was in the room. that kid has an iron tight memory and there were some words I was hoping he wouldn't say again.
that being said, andrew is short and petite. Elsie is big. No surprise. As long as I keep feeding them eggs, honey and nuts, they'll develop swimmingly.

You look terrible

I have started potty training Andrew. It's actually going pretty smoothly. We had to get passes the terror of public toilets. By terror, I mean high pitch screaming and shaking. You know what solve that? A Cars potty seat that has become our travel seat. Worked like a charm. I have not read any books or blogs and haven't even talked to anyone about how to train, so I will let you know how this turns out.

Easter weekend was great, besides being told I looked as bad as I feel since I had bags under my eyes. Granted the one beer I had gave me a migraine thanks to post pregnancy body morphing. Also, I'm losing weight and generally post baby women try to do that but I managed to sneak back down to my pre-Andrew weight pretty quickly but am now losing more. I'm eating normally, indulging in all sugar or carb cravings yet it doesn't stick.
I'm also exhausted. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Elsie is beginning another round of teething so I won't be catching up on sleep this week either. Maybe in a year, right?

Attack

The little one is gaining an upper hand on the bigger one.

Huge pity party, be warned

Every thing is making me so irritated tonight. I just read a bunch of blogs and they made me feel jealous, or I mean, I chose to feel jealous. I guess when I read it I think, hey I do that too or I wish I could do that or that is so ridiculous but so trendy that i want to do that too. I read about these moms living off the land, canning, sewing their own clothes. Part of me thinks it would be fantastic to know where your food is coming from but for me and my place right now, my food is from wal-mart super centers.

I also feel irritated because I am finding out about things going on behind my back. Do you confront and cause awkwardness or do you suck it up and allow your very precious, even sacred downtime be wasted. I'm talking in riddles, i know, because well, one must do that in the public world.
I think I'm having a cynical pity party tonight. I feel wronged by the world. I must be hormonal or as i am pretty certain everyone is out to get me.

third birthday and nuts

Its andrew's 3rd birthday this weekend. This kid is smart and I don't say that because I'm his mom and its true, but I've been affirmed by it by others, even strangers. Pardon me for being one of THOSE moms but he serious "gets" stuff and rationalizes beyond what I think he should. My new favourite thing is watching him when he doesn't think I'm watching. I catch him trying to strangle his sister, or jumping back in bed after playing with toys during his nap and pretending he's sleeping. I'm having a little party with his friends tomorrow. We'll make bird feeders, using peanut butter so I'm assuming no one has a nut allergy. Nut allergy people are so annoying. I say that tongue in cheek, I mean, my best friend has a nut allergy*
*not true.

I'm reading this new mommy blog that is so absurd that I HAVE to read it so I can make myself feel normal. My guess is Alicia Silverstone got the bird feeding technique from her. She breastfed until 2 or 3 years old. Thats so nutty. She talks about happy energy and a french child that lives in her psyche. SERIOUSLY, don't you want to read it to? I love it.

Lets talk politics.
One, budgets are fantastic.
Two, unions are ridiculous leeches on the vein of the economy, unless I was  in one and getting awesome health benefits and limited work hours.
Three, Justin Trudeau makes me want to bang my head against the wall, repeatedly. Wish he'd take a page out of Ben Mulrony's book of, "don't become a politician, host Canadian idol and Live with Kelly instead".
Four, the penny is being phased out. Man, if I had a nickel every time the gov't has put that on the table, I'd have, well... four PENNIES.
Five, I miss Ralph Klein.

chosing foolishly

I reread my blog from when Andrew was Elsie's current age. It was a rough time. He was in the middle of getting the horrible teeth. Molars and such. I wasn't sleeping, he was screaming in the stroller and refused to be put down. Compared to that, Elsie isn't too bad but I still feel completely drained. Emotionally and physically. I guess we all try to find some reason why we aren't feeling good. Maybe PMS, maybe lack of sleep, maybe the weather. Thats what I'm doing. Little things make me feel like I'm going to crack. My grandfather passed away last Wednesday. That was very difficult because it felt like a sack of .... well, something heavy, was added onto my already crippling shoulders.
We all have challenges but today I feel incapable of mentally taking charge of them. I'm fully feeding into my worries and fears. I mean, I have two choices. Worry or Trust God. Guess what I chose? and if you ask me how thats working out for me I'd answer, not so good.

its not my party but I'll still scream

Today we went to a birthday party. It was about a 40 minute drive to get there, so you can imagine my horror when I went to pull Elsie out of the seat and realized she wasn't buckled in! My first thought was, PAUL!! oh... no wait. I'm the one that put her in the seat. Oh the guilt! I didn't say anything. She smelled awfully ripe though and as we walked toward the washroom, the smell was stronger than what is typical. When I laid her down, I saw she had exploded everywhere. So, with pants half on, and with sour liquid continuing to seep into my jacket since I'm holding her, we went to the clothing section of the grocery store and picked up a new outfit. I was very tempted to just chuck the old clothes (which my sister often did) but I like the little overalls, so I put them in a plastic bag.

The party was great. It was at Superstore so they kids made pizzas, decorated cupcakes and ate cake. Very cute. Andrew was thrilled with a whistle he got in the loot bag. My mistake though, as we were walking down the stairs from the upper room, I pointed out the lady making sushi. He stopped, was thrilled and then accidentally dropped the whistle down a crack in the stairs. You would have thought I was strangling him. No wait, you would have thought I was branding him with a hot iron. No wait, you would have thought I was yanking out his finger nails... Good Lord. I was dumbfounded because I have never seen him scream like that. Poor kid had a very red hand as I dragged him to the car because I had a death grip on him that only a mother can have. I was embarrassed and mad.  He's just so intense, all the time. He's either insanely excited or so mad that you think he's going to pop blood vessels. Passionate, he is.

Spring break and casinos

No Internet today. All I had to do was reset the modem and frankly, I didn't do that because just saying the word reset makes me dream about rainbows and candy. Not interested. Instead we played in the backyard. I mean fresh air is good and all but nothing can replace a good TV show. I jest. A good tv show and salty snack.

March break impedes on my small radius of things to do. Food court at the mall was ridonculous. That's what the kids say these days, kids and realty tv judges.

So a new casino will be built in Toronto. So let me get this right. People make a fuss when taxes are raised to pay for stuff like roads, schools and hospitals but when a money pit of a casino where there is no return statistically on the money spent there is said to be getting built, no one fusses? Ok, just checking. Guess I'll keep hunting for a reliable family doctor while you try to get three cherries in a row.

Radio show

My sister is trying to convince me to host a radio show with her. I can only imagine the banter we would have and a lot of dead air from us trying to catch our breath from laughing. We would probably make a good team. Must consider this.

Elsie hit the floor twice today from trying to walk. Must be hard. Her legs probably feel like a unicycle.

Preschools and "Teets"

Checking out a preschool today. I have no expectations other than preplanned fire escape route, recognition of all national holidays, heavy emphasis on remembrance day and flag day, and puzzles.

Afterwards we will hunt and gather at Walmart super centre but not before a starbucks drive thru visit. Short Americano with milk is my current beverage of choice. Tag along a kids chocolate milk and a petite vanilla scone. Petite is a word I really don't like saying, probably because of the "teet".

My baby is rolling around the floor eating macerated pieces of toast. When Andrew was this age, we sat at the table for breakfast, and I fed him with a spoon. I'm teaching Elsie to be resourceful.

Canned chicken

I read a blog about how to cut your kids hair. It involved masking tape and cutting straight. This lady also breast fed until her boy was 2 so I mean, we all have our psychosis. That being said, Andrew has had his fair share of straight across bangs ala dumb and dumber but Elsie lucked out because I finally learned you don't cut straight across. Her bangs now look like Sally field in the 80s or me in my gr1 picture.

I made dinner from a recipe on a can of cream of chicken. If we're going retro we might as well go all out. I suscinded to a three year olds wishes and knew the whole time I was setting myself up for future troubles by allowing him to eat on the couch watching wonder pets on netflix. Bah, sometimes it's what happens.

Haircut tomorrow folks. Will not be going short again because I looked like a boy or a lesbian. No offense to either but I have a couple blue flannel shirts and it didnt help the matter.

Working against change

The minute you feel comfortable is the minute things change. I'm not good with change. It often evokes anxiety. I wish I could go with the flow but feel very panicked when I can't control what happens next.
I am scared of making the wrong decision. I'm afraid of working outside God's will.
I dig in my heels, stick my head in the sand and paralyze myself.

Storytime

Went to the library today for a story time. The library I go to is full of moms with Gucci or LV purses and kids, if boys, have long hair and are called Cole or Jackson. Moms sing louder than the children and emit an energy, that if bottled, could power eastern Canada in the dead of winter.
Today I looked at my kids and realized they both had snot streaks all over their face and crazy hair from bed head/hat head. My son also had sprinkle donut remnants on his face because we made a pit stop before the library. My son's pants were half down his bum, exposing his Walmart diapers because the waist in his pants are too big and the height of his pants too short.
I won't even describe my hair.

It was today that I realized when you have one kid, you can be cute and trendy and be overly eager for your kids to sing old macdonald because one kid allows you to leave the house somewhat organized and your energy level is still on "perky". Two kids, your energy is set to "coast with caution". I have utmost respect for the three and even four kid moms. Four kid moms are intimidating. They're the type that jam marshmallows into open wounds because thats what was in their purse. They slap their kid on the butt and say, you're fine.

That being said, I love the story time because my kids love it. I also enjoy picking books afterward. Seeing what my son is interested in helps me learn more about him.

...where was I?

My mom has decided to meet her neighbours as her "lentil" deed. On so many layers, this is awesome.

I have a case of the George Castanza elbow-itis. Mine doesn't randomly nudge people but does hurt. I guess it's not like George at all.

LZ keeps yelling in her sleep. I imagine she dreams about over sized squeaky toys, wide eyed cartoons and perhaps an existential cheerio that is always out of reach. She is 9 months old.

Kiddo got his hair cut today. I need to stop going to melonheads. It's too pricy and we didn't get a helicopter ride.