I'll do that, thank you very much

Man! This kid of mine is making me self reflect way too much. I have an issue with control. I like it, because it makes me feel safe to manipulate the environment around me. I don't like surprises, change or conflict. Hey, guess who has inherited this destructive quality? A four year old. He was born with it. How on earth do I teach him tht he can't control his environment when it's the very thing I strive to do daily? It is a constant battle with him. The type of socks he wears, how they go on his feet and how they settle around his toes. If it is at all slightly off, a huge tsunami of tears and frustration, anger and stomping will ensue. 

Last week I raised the volume on a song in the car, which evidently he didn't want to hear and he screamed all the way home. 

Now, I see this as a direct reflection of my inadequate parenting. I give him to much choice so he thinks he can manipulate every situation. I do to much for him. I don't give him enough opportunities to be independent. I am not tough enough. I am not consistent enough. His bad behaviour is a direct reflection of my failures and weakness. 

Healthy view? Certainly not. Manipulating the problem so that it is somehow something I can control because I love control? Yes. 

I do not let paul discipline the kids. You know why? Control. It's my job. I know how to do it. He should do it my way. Every time he tries I undermine him, interrupt, critique, or sabatoge. You know why? Control. If he does it better than me, then I'm a failure. 

So in our discussion tonight, after a doozy of a four year old temper tantrum where I tried to control everything involved, I decided (I, I, I) that I will now take cues from paul. My way is not working. I have to yield. I have to try and work with Paul and I have to let go and encourage him to grow in the area and also support that relationship between him and the kids. It's so hard for me to bite my tongue but if we want our kids to be independent, active members of society who vote for each level of government and know how to put on their own shoes, let alone sort recycling then I have to let go. Ughhh. Let go.