I'll do that, thank you very much

Man! This kid of mine is making me self reflect way too much. I have an issue with control. I like it, because it makes me feel safe to manipulate the environment around me. I don't like surprises, change or conflict. Hey, guess who has inherited this destructive quality? A four year old. He was born with it. How on earth do I teach him tht he can't control his environment when it's the very thing I strive to do daily? It is a constant battle with him. The type of socks he wears, how they go on his feet and how they settle around his toes. If it is at all slightly off, a huge tsunami of tears and frustration, anger and stomping will ensue. 

Last week I raised the volume on a song in the car, which evidently he didn't want to hear and he screamed all the way home. 

Now, I see this as a direct reflection of my inadequate parenting. I give him to much choice so he thinks he can manipulate every situation. I do to much for him. I don't give him enough opportunities to be independent. I am not tough enough. I am not consistent enough. His bad behaviour is a direct reflection of my failures and weakness. 

Healthy view? Certainly not. Manipulating the problem so that it is somehow something I can control because I love control? Yes. 

I do not let paul discipline the kids. You know why? Control. It's my job. I know how to do it. He should do it my way. Every time he tries I undermine him, interrupt, critique, or sabatoge. You know why? Control. If he does it better than me, then I'm a failure. 

So in our discussion tonight, after a doozy of a four year old temper tantrum where I tried to control everything involved, I decided (I, I, I) that I will now take cues from paul. My way is not working. I have to yield. I have to try and work with Paul and I have to let go and encourage him to grow in the area and also support that relationship between him and the kids. It's so hard for me to bite my tongue but if we want our kids to be independent, active members of society who vote for each level of government and know how to put on their own shoes, let alone sort recycling then I have to let go. Ughhh. Let go. 

Book it

I have a pain in my toe. It's like a numb area that spiders out tingles. Sometimes it aches. I told my supportive husband about it and he said:

You have the gout. 

What are we in, the 18th century? Wealthy people who ate rich foods would get the gout. Do note the added "the". It's so much more dramatic. So it's not gout but maybe it's another embarrassing old person issue like a bunion or corn? That's disgusting. 

I have kid stories that make me laugh by if I were to retell them, you'd skip over this paragraph. However, this is my blog. They've both started air guitar when music comes but they don't get the "air" part. They rub their chests on the diagonal and make a scrunched up face. I have many videos of it. Elsie does air mic as well but it looks as if she's trying to eat her fist. 

I have set up my reading list for the summer. I'm hoping ebook borrowers from the library be swift. Here is my list:

What we talk about when we talk about God- rob bell.    

Radio belly -    Buffy cram     

Pulphead Essays - John Jeremiah Sullivan 

Lets explore diabetes with owls - Dave sedaris

I have completed

1982 - jian ghomeshi

Mr. Penumbra's 24- hour Book Store - Robin Sloan

They were both great. I recommend both. 

 

Ramblings: about me

I reread my blogs. I continually check out my Instagram pictures. I reread status updates and twitter posts. I tend to think I am the best thing since sliced bread. 

False. Completely insecure and need to check if someone has commented, liked, retweeted or shared something I have thrown out into void of social media. 

It makes me laugh when people use "the" in front of Facebook and twitter. It brings me great joy when they use it before a pluralized Internet as well. 

I have to go back in 3 months for another breast ultra sound. They have a classification system for cysts and fibroids and I'm at a 3 which is "probably benine but dr. wants to track it. I'm not worried. 

I need to get clothes that are boho chic because I have decided this is the image I need to portray to the world. Anthropologie carries this image for a hefty price tag. Have contemplated hoofing it to VV and aiming lower to just boho. 

Chic is quite over rated though, no? Everything is chic these days.